This Trader Joe’s Gelato Tastes Like Swirly Soft Serve

By Alex Beggs

The frozen treats at Trader Joe’s this summer have been a cold comfort, the only time that phrase means a good thing. Last month’s horchata ice cream reigns supreme, but this month’s new Strawberry Lemonade Ice Bars and Vanilla Bean and Chocolate Swirl Gelato add to the stellar lineup. Do you have a chest freezer yet? Now might be the time to invest in one because I bet these summery debuts will disappear come fall. However, this month’s not-frozen new products are striking in the meh zone, unless you’ve been dying for more bad vegan cheese. Read on for the full reviews.

Roasted Red Pepper HummusThis is a redesign and reformulation of the store’s previous Roasted Red Pepper Hummus, and it was well worth it. This is my new favorite dip at Trader Joe’s. There are diced roasted red peppers in the center and throughout the hummus, whereas the old version had a puddle of pepper mush and a label with more fonts than you could count. It’s a good reminder that it’s often the basics, not the novelties, that make Trader Joe's parking lot fill up with Toyota Siennas.

Dark Chocolate Pineapple SticksTJ’s did a version of these with watermelon a few years back and I called them “a crime” and “a BAD TIME.” So here we go again with dried pineapple, though I’m not sure who was begging for it. These little chocolate-covered logs look like a missing piece to my dishwasher, perfectly cylindrical and with a plasticky matte finish. The pineapple is soft and jelly-like, not chewy, and the chocolate’s bitterness battles with the fruit’s acidity. You might be into that. I was not.

Strawberry Lemonade Ice BarsThe concept is clever—we’ve got a strawberry core enveloped with a lemonade exterior. I didn’t love the natural-flavor-enhanced lemon layer, but when it combines with the strawberry it’s as refreshing as an accidental walk through your neighbor’s sprinkler, which runs whether there’s a county-wide water restriction or not. Bold.

Vanilla Bean and Chocolate Swirl GelatoI’ve been craving a swirl cone of soft serve from Mister Softee for months, tortured here in the ice-cream-truck-deprived streets of Ann Arbor. But this soft, creamy gelato was a near ringer, especially after I let it sit on the counter for 17 minutes. The container is packaged so that when you open the lid there are whimiscal dollops of ice cream and swirls of chocolate syrup, which I ruined after two scoops. It’s still no horchata ice cream, but no one ever will be.

Gluten-Free MadeleinesThese individually packed madeleines would offend Proust, but he’s dead so who cares? The main players are eggs, sunflower oil, sugar, rice flour, and potato starch, which create a sponge that reminds me of an old-fashioned doughnut, begging to be dunked in coffee. Does it have the weightless crumb of a traditional madeline, bound by the whispers of romance poets? No. Does it have the golden exterior of a daydream struck by the sun? No. But it is a tasty little yellow cake. Sliced in half, these would be a great GF substitute in icebox cakes, trifles, or tiramisu.

Organic Pasta QuintetFive different shapes? In one bag? Aren’t we getting greedy. Use this to make a chaotic pasta salad, or convince children that each shape will bring them different superpowers.

Lemon Pesto SauceSometimes life gives you too much lemon. If you want a creamy, lemony pasta, please buy a carton of cream, a single lemon, a wedge of parm, and make it fresh. The packaging of this lemon “pesto” is beautiful but the intensity of the citrus flavor, combined with the grainy, shelf-stable parm, and whatever else is in here, sent me running. Do not waste your Pasta Quintet on this.

Here Kitty Kitty! Cat TreatsMy cat Roger ate these up with the Dyson-level focus he inhales everything in his dish. So, rave.

Vegetable & Cheese EnchiladasI was excited about these because I’m an enchilada enthusiast. Also: Hello, nopal! This might be cactus’s first sighting at Trader Joe’s outside of the succulent shelf. Unfortunately the sauce is too bitter. An extra layer of cheese on top might help, if you’re microwaving these at home. The enchiladas were skimpy on the vegetables, with a scattering of corn and zucchini that seemed almost apologetic to be there. And so was I.

Mini CheeseburgersI’m getting White Castle vibes from these square sliders, whose cushy, sweet buns outweigh the pity-patty of meat inside. While there’s something extra-strength depressing about microwaving frozen sliders covered in a wet paper towel, I still gobbled every last crumb.

Dairy Free Shredded Spicy Mexican Style Blend Cheese AlternativeFour types of starches make up this dusty blend of cheese-ish shreds. But the reliance on coconut oil in these cheese alternatives is killing me. No amount of dehydrated bell pepper is going to cover it up!

Pickle Cheese CurdsToo dry. No squeak. No bounce. Big sad.

Strawberry White StiltonStrawberry and pomegranate flavor takes over any funk this white Stilton cheese once had, and maybe that’s what you wanted. I think it would be a cute addition to a cheese plate, and serve as an entry-level Stilton for the newbies. The cheese’s dry texture crumbles well into an arugula salad too.

Smoked English Cheddar with Green Onions and ChiveOnion breath supreme. But still, a fun-flavored cheddar to shred into your scrambled eggs or buttermilk biscuits a la this recipe. I wouldn’t add this to a charcuterie board, though, because I wouldn’t want to hear about your summer vacation with chive-y steam in my face. Anyway, have a nice summer.